Unpleasant Truth
Jun. 29th, 2010 12:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wildwestheroI lie for him all the time. All the fucking time. And sometimes I don't even think I'm lying, but being hopelessly optimistic that things will get better. I want to believe it. Why can't be believe it too?
I gotta say, sometimes I don't really know what I'm doing. Andrew's not easy to deal with, especially when he's feeling depressed. I try my best, though, and I hope he appreciates what I do for him. I've never left his side, not once, not...
Well. Apart from that one time, and thank God he got rescued in time. I was in a panic when I heard he was in hospital again after trying to kill himself. Apart from that night, I've never left his side. That sort of scares you into keeping an eye on him. I don't think he minds. Least, I hope he doesn't.
Sometimes he asks me where I was that night. It's another memory he doesn't have. I tell him I was by his side the whole time. Most of the time, it calms him. Sometimes it just makes him rage at me. Why didn't I stop him if I was there? But I never have the heart to tell him I wasn't there. I didn't know! How was I supposed to know? Andrew, seriously, I'm not telepathic. I can't read your mind. If I'd known you were going to try and do that, I'd have tried to stop you, sure I would have, but I didn't know. You didn't even hint that you were even thinking about it. What was I supposed to do?
You scare me, Andrew. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep you alive sometimes, especially when you push me away and tell me to mind my own business. I know you're just trying to stop me getting hurt, but it hurts even more when you say you don't need me. I'm scared if I leave you alone too long, you'll try again, and maybe you'll actually succeed and leave me shattered and alone. But you're never in a state of mind to hear that, or understand it. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall sometimes.
Muses: Charles Firth and Andrew Hansen
Fandom: The Chaser RPS (uni-era)
Disclaimer: Not true in any way, shape or form
Warnings: discussion of (attempted) suicide
Word count: 368
I gotta say, sometimes I don't really know what I'm doing. Andrew's not easy to deal with, especially when he's feeling depressed. I try my best, though, and I hope he appreciates what I do for him. I've never left his side, not once, not...
Well. Apart from that one time, and thank God he got rescued in time. I was in a panic when I heard he was in hospital again after trying to kill himself. Apart from that night, I've never left his side. That sort of scares you into keeping an eye on him. I don't think he minds. Least, I hope he doesn't.
Sometimes he asks me where I was that night. It's another memory he doesn't have. I tell him I was by his side the whole time. Most of the time, it calms him. Sometimes it just makes him rage at me. Why didn't I stop him if I was there? But I never have the heart to tell him I wasn't there. I didn't know! How was I supposed to know? Andrew, seriously, I'm not telepathic. I can't read your mind. If I'd known you were going to try and do that, I'd have tried to stop you, sure I would have, but I didn't know. You didn't even hint that you were even thinking about it. What was I supposed to do?
You scare me, Andrew. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep you alive sometimes, especially when you push me away and tell me to mind my own business. I know you're just trying to stop me getting hurt, but it hurts even more when you say you don't need me. I'm scared if I leave you alone too long, you'll try again, and maybe you'll actually succeed and leave me shattered and alone. But you're never in a state of mind to hear that, or understand it. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall sometimes.
Muses: Charles Firth and Andrew Hansen
Fandom: The Chaser RPS (uni-era)
Disclaimer: Not true in any way, shape or form
Warnings: discussion of (attempted) suicide
Word count: 368